


Cigarettes smoke

by Xou



Category: Baccano!
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Break Up, Character Death, Depression, Gen, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, This fict is out of my control at this point
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 10:01:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16784722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xou/pseuds/Xou
Summary: Cigarette smoke burn cold and stay in your lungues, long even after this one has died. Just like the past continues to follow you no matter what. It leaves a taste, stuck at the back of your throat, silently choking you.Eve and Dallas learn to once again live together after he has been saved from the Hudson. However, they can't ignore the wounds left by the past.





	Cigarettes smoke

**Author's Note:**

> Even if it spoils some of the events happening in this story, I have to say this :  
> 
> 
> This fict deals with ptsd, nightmares, depression, vaguely sexual scenes (not explicit, but it's there. Skip the first two sections in _italic_ if you'd rather not), multiple allusion to choking, past child-abuse, clear suicide idealisation, **the aftermath of a suicide scene** (indicated clearly before it comes and the most graphic part can be easily skipped), self-harm, etc. Be careful and if any of this seriously triggers you, this might not be the fict for you. For other warnings, make sure to read the tags. 
> 
> This story is divided into multiple little snippets, centered around Dallas life after finding back his sister, mostly told through Eve perspective. So, here goes: A heartwarming Eve and Dallas fict, haha :

<.X.>

Eve prefered not to think of the fact Dallas jacket still smelt of the river.

That thing was already hard to take off of him in the first place. Finding back Dallas had been a long and difficult process. It was given that when she finally got her brother back, he was definitely a little shaken up. And he absolutely refused to get out of his jacket, even if Eve just wanted to clean it. Dallas had never been the most stable person with his temper, but the time he had spend at the bottom of the Hudson just enforced this fact much more. He was more brash, more easily irritable, even if he tried to hide it from Eve’s eyes.

Maybe that’s why she prefered to be careful with him and not brushing at all on the subject of her meeting with Luck Gandor or the confrontation with the Runorata. Surely, he would worry far too much about things that weren't so bad. It was no secret that Dallas Genoard arbored a profound hatred towards anyone from the mafia, a hate that Eve could only just start to understand given what they had done to her family. She knew that she would have to tell him one day eventually, but it was a subject she willingly pushed away from her head. She much rather focus on the fact she was finally able to hold her brother close to her once again. She was almost afraid that every time she’d let go of him, he could just be taken away from her once more. However, he was back in her arms and that was what stayed the most important.

Dallas seemed to cling to her just as much and this surprised her greatly. He never was the best with body contact while they were growing up. She recalled far too many time that she had tried to hug him, only to see him flinch and push her away. Eve was not a little girl anymore. She never understood why, but she knew that Dallas wasn’t mean to her on purpose. Maybe it was just for protecting her, even if his actions ended up hurting her in the end. It was just like those things the family had hidden away from her and that she had to find from a total stranger in the first place. But maybe one day, Dallas would open up to her and talk about his feeling.

This was very much not likely. But Eve could still dream.

Dallas would probably call her childish and say that she needed to grow up. If there was one thing that didn't change once again, it was his attitude. But the thing is, she didn’t want to be a grown up around him. She just wanted to be his little sister. The little sister that Dallas taught how to play billiard. And to her, she wished he would continue to be her brother, the one that used to help her dress and braid her hair. It had to mean something to him too… Right?

Learning how to live with Dallas was like learning their whole brother and sister relationship again. Her brother definitely changed from his visit in the river, but it was still the same Dallas. Loud mouth, reckless and yet incredibly caring toward her. But he was just different enough to throw her off guard. His eyes would often get lost in the distance and Eve didn’t know what he was seeing. She probably didn’t want to know.

The first night, she was awaken by a scream. Neither brother or sister really wanted to let go after not seeing each other for so long. Despite making sure her brother was warm, Dallas couldn't stop shaking as he was holding her while lying down, not able to share a word. They had shared beds before, the last time being when Dallas was about 17. Sure it had been an exception, Dallas just had been beat up by… Some people? Eve wasn’t sure, but she had been the one to find him attempting to clean off blood out of his hands in the washroom. She was the one to patch him as he obviously lied about where his injuries had come from. He was very nervous about either their father or Jeffrey finding out about it, that was why she had suggested he slept in her room. He hadn’t protested, probably too exhausted to do so that time.

He wouldn’t disappear for more than a year after this incident. But it was one of the moment Eve distinctly remembered as being both literally and figuratively closest to her brother. It maybe had to do with holding him in her arms, sheltering him away from the world.

But as his screams promptly woke her up, Eve looked around both confused and worried. She found Dalla, having visibly fallen out of bed and currently hyperventilating, curled around himself on the mansion hard wooden floor. Quickly, Eve jumped out of bed as well and took his head between her hand and tried to make him focus on her:

'' I’m here, I’m right here, it’s gonna be ok!!''

'' … C-... Can’t… B....''

'' It’s ok, I’m here, I’m right here, I’m with you! Just focus on me. Breath, in and out, alright?''

Eve had no idea what she was doing. She continued to talk and instruct her brother to keep breathing and that he was alright. She could clearly feel the panic making her body and her voice shake, but she couldn’t stop now. She reassured him that he was safe, that they were home, that she was with him and wouldn't leave, simple things to reassure herself too.

Dallas eventually managed to slow down his breathing and that’s when she noticed, he had taken hold of her nightgown and was holding her against him. His breathing was still a bit raspy, but she was so relieved that she just started crying in his arms. Tears were already trailing down her face and on the face of her brother as well, but it wasn't important right now. An hand slowly started stroking up and down her back and Eve couldn’t stop the little chuckle that escaped her lips. Despite everything, making sure that Eve was ok was still Dallas first preoccupation. Even as her heart was pounding out of her chest, she felt a wave of relief despite the situation. She didn’t know why she was laughing. She didn’t know why she was crying. She just was feeling so many emotions at the same time, she wasn’t sure what they were. She was just so relieved.

She was just so relieved.

Dallas eventually released his hold on her a little and she almost didn’t want to let him do so. She was still shaking and he was trembling too. Sitting on the middle of the manor floor in autumn probably didn’t help with that.

Things would not simply go back to normal. They both climbed up into bed again. Eve eventually found sleep with her brother arms hugging her. Judging from Dallas dark circles under his eyes the next day, he didn't. It would not be the first nightmare and panic attack, but rather the first in a long serie of night terrors. After a few days, Dallas insisted that they shouldn't sleep side by side anymore. He made this decision despite the fact he still was plagued with nightmare that woke him up being unable to breath, as if he was at the bottom of the river again. Drowning and drowning, stuck in choking memories.

Eve couldn't agree with him, which lead them having an argument, the first one since Dallas had came back. It was not so much a fight than Dallas screaming at her that he didn't need her to take care of him, that he could do this on his own and to just _fuck_ leave him alone!

Eve ended up feeling like she was just a kid again and silently crying to herself while her brother slammed the door to his room in her face. She didn't want to be so childish, but her brother words deeply hurt her.

She just cared about him. She just wanted him to be safe.

Unsurprisingly, after letting Dallas sleep on his own, he had another nightmare that woke him up screaming, screams Eve was able to hear, despite being a few rooms over. Immediately, she got off out bed and ran to her brother room. Once there, she tried hard pulling and then pushing with all her strength the door that refused to bulge.

Dallas had locked his room.

She continued to knock and pull, hoping that maybe the door would break under her mediocre strength but nothing she could do was good enough. She eventually collapsed, falling to her knees in front of the door. Her chest was heaving and her eyes were burning. She could not give up now, she had to continue trying, but her limbs felt like they were filled with cotton and her head seemed so heavy on her shoulder. The world seemed blurry around her, but the only thing Eve could focus on was how weirdly silent her brother now was in the other room. Had he passed out? Was he alright? She needed to know, she needed to be here, God just give her a little more strength!!

Dallas found her there in the morning, collapsed against the door. She had eventually passed out somewhere in the night. His sister was shivering after spending the night out of bed. Dallas did feel guilty about it and insisted she stayed in bed while he took care of her and things around the manor for the day.

Seemed a little unproductive when they still had some servants and the gang of people from Chicago squatting their house, though they came and went. However, Dallas insisted that he would be the only one in charge of Eve.

It was nice being taken care off by her brother. She felt that for once, Dallas was giving her the same amount of love she was giving him daily. But even as she was worrying and insisting that he should stay by her side for the night, Dallas only scoffed and insisted that he would be alright.

Maybe Eve was just too out of it to notice, but she didn't hear anything and managed to sleep calmly.

And it continued after she got better too. Dallas would no longer wake her up in panic because of him screaming and hyperventilating.

Eve hoped that it was because he no longer had those nightmare haunting him.

But maybe it was just that he’d learned to stay silent.

<.X.>

Eve knew that she wouldn't be able to keep out from Dallas what she had been up to since her brother was gone. Not definitely and not for too long either.

Turned up she managed to keep him out of it for only a few weeks before he discovered she had been in contact with the Gandors. And here, in contact meant, as in, recently. Recently, as in, they had been contact since he had come back. Obviously, Dallas was quite pissed off.

(Maybe sending a letter to the cute Mexican girl that ‘’helped’’ her finding back her brother hadn't been the best idea. But already, her leading Eve outside the building where she would eventually find Dallas had been part of a long series of incident and coincidence that left her feel incredibly graceful. A letter had seemed appropriate. Plus, she was very pretty.)

Eve was unsure if she was ready to have this argument with her brother. Not because she regretted anything she’d done to find him or that she was feeling guilty about keeping him in the dark. It was because she hadn't yet decided what she wanted to tell him or not. It had to be a conscious decision and she wasn’t how much he was ready to hear yet. It was not a matter of if she wanted to share everything, but what he would make of it.

Surely, if Dallas discovered that she had a gun pointed at her, he would freak out and never allow her to get out of the house again.

And that was just one of the mild thing.

So, she kept insisting that the Gandors had been really kind to her and that they were the one that initially told her where he was. They were the reason she managed to trace his barrel. Well, it was all because of them that he found himself in said barrel in the first place, let’s not forget that. However, Luck Gandor had been nothing else but kind toward her, despite hating her brother for what this one had did to his friends. This kind and understanding attitude was already a lot more than what most people had given her. She understood that he was flawed, but he was her older brother and she had to find him. And Luck understood that. Family was family.

Eve understood certain things on her own as well, for example that Dallas needed time to understand that the Gandors were not a menace to him anymore. Same as Luck Gandor, that still needed time to properly grieve the friends he had lost back in 1930 and then, be able to face Dallas with no animosity. They already hadn’t gotten along before the whole incident, Dallas being a small thug and Luck Gandor being one of the don of his mafia group. From the start, it was an unbalanced relationship. It didn’t help that Dallas always had to look for troubles too. Eve knew her brother. It was gonna be hard for both him and Luck Gandor to get along, but she had to try anyway.

...

Well, three years seemed like an appropriate amount of time to forget and forgive for both parties. That was why she had felt appropriate to invite Dallas to a dinner organised by the wife of one Keith Gandor.

Eve and Kate Gandor had learned to get to know each other more as the young Genoard mistress kept contact with the Gandors. The older woman presence had always been soothing for her and Eve had learn to see Kate as a friend. Her husband might be an immortal and his wife not, but it didn’t change anything about their relationship. Keith Gandor was also maybe partly responsible for the disappearance of Eve brother, but she never blamed Kate herself or felt like the woman needed to apologize for something she had no control over.

In fact, being even more than a friend, Kate provided Eve with an example of role model for what she wanted to become when she got a little older. The woman was incredibly kind and understanding despite the mafia world she was surrounded with. She hoped Kate would provide a good example for Dallas as well, so he might stop judging people so fast.

Most of the time, it was just Kate inviting Eve to having dinner with her, since she was sometime lonely, her husband being so busy with their family business. However, the presence of Keith Gandor was also pretty common at those dinner and less often, his two other brother were there as well. Eve even had the chance to meet the second brother wife, Kalia Gandor. And what a woman it was to be married to Berga.

She had a much more explosive attitude than Kate, that was for sure. But Eve really liked Kalia as well. Especially given that Kalia absolutely adored Eve as well, always doting on her.

It wouldn’t be bad to properly introduces Dallas into a more informal context, right?

That trail of thought give way to a very awkward dinner between the Gandors and the Genoard.

It was deathly silent around the table and even if Kate was sending gentle smiles to Eve from the other side of the table, the atmosphere was so tense, you could practically feel it. Only Luck and Keith decided to come and it was probably for the better that the much more aggressive and easy to rile up Berga wasn’t here. Because despite having been elbowed in the stomach multiple times, Dallas wouldn’t stop glaring at them.

And if there’s one thing you don’t want, it’s to piss off one or several mafia bosses. Pissing them off **again** shouldn't also be one of your option. But Dallas had already proven that he didn’t think about those things so Eve had to look out for him this time. And honestly, she knew she would have to do it more often in the future. Maybe that was what it would take for her brother to stop treating her like a little kid, than she wouldn’t mind. After the few weeks of getting her brother back, Eve not only realised how his disappearance transformed him, but also changed her as well. However, those changes were counterproductive. If Dallas was more productive toward her, Eve was also braver and didn't want her brother always doting on her. Even it was nice at the beginning to have him taking care of her, she could handle taking care of herself and of him too if need called. Also, if she had to step up to avoid her brother getting into trouble, it was her own responsibility for dragging him close enough to the wolf trap in the first place.

But who said a wild dog couldn't befriends some wolves?

Trying to diffuse the heavy tension a little, Eve engaged a mundane conversation with Kate, hoping that it would help relax the attitude :

''This is very good, Ms Kate. You’ll definitely have to show me how you cook like this sometimes.''

''This is really kind of you miss Eve. I would love to.''

''No. Absolutely not.''

Eve glared at her brother once again, as this one sneakily avoided her trying to hit him once again under the table. He returned her gaze glaring too, but seemingly unperturbed. It was stable as if nothing could change his opinion on the matter. Eve really wanted to avoid having this argument while they were guests invited to someone else house. It was probably better to let it go, but already she could feel the glare of Keith Gandor on her brother. He probably had taken offense at Dallas dismissal toward his wife. Eve almost didn’t want to turn toward the two Gandors. She preferred to focus her attention back to her plate, since her and Dallas couldn’t exactly be excused from the dinner. This one had just started, but of course, the meal had to become even more tense. And that, by the intervention of Luck Gandor himself:

'' And why is that, may I ask?''

Dallas directed his eyes toward him and yet despite not having him watching her anymore, Eve didn’t dare to breath. The tension around them could have been cut with a knife and Eve already knew that weapon would already be flying if she didn’t make sure to have a pat down on Dallas before he left the house. Even if she knew none of the Gandor brother could be killed and neither her brother, a reconciliation between their two families wouldn’t start well if it began with a bullet in the brain or a throwing knife in the middle of the forehead. Suddenly, a small smirk illuminated Dallas lips and Eve already knew that it wouldn’t end well. The smile was arrogant, while still hiding anger and other emotion underneath it. She knew that smirk because it was the one Dallas used when he was arguing with their father. A conversation that always ended with object being thrown and Samantha escorting Eve away so she wouldn't see anymore. It didn't matter. She now understood what was going on behind closed doors.

It had taken her far too much time to realise. Eve was a bit ashamed to only realise it now, years later, when all the bruises, cuts and scars had been there for her to see all this time. However, Dallas was subtle and usually skipped town and ran away from home after those ‘discussions’ with their father. He never disappeared for long, usually just for the night or one day or two, at most. And he always came back with even more bruises, cuts and blood on his hands. The scent of cigarette smoke followed him as well during the winter months. However, he always ended up getting sick from the cold, despite his shallow attempt at staying warm. Eve was often the one that ended up taking care of him or at least attempting to, when her brother accepted her help that is.

She always had been the one supposed to take care. Be that of the wounds inflicted by their father for discipline, or wounds he’d gotten in the street, doing God knows what.

Possibly more wounds that she didn't know about. Those she couldn't fix. Eve may have tried her hardest, but Dallas still decided to hide some things away from her. The only thing that could do was provide support. She couldn't be blamed for what she had no control over.

She mentally apologized to Kate because some of her nice plates would surely be broken by the end of the meal.

Dallas responded to Luck in a sarcastic tone, clearly edging him on, as if he wanted to see what the mafia boss would do in answer:

'' Well, excuse me my good sir, but this is not the kind of crowd I want my sister to associate with.''

'' Oh, because your companionship is a better influence on her?''

''Don’t you dare compare us two.''

''That idea didn’t even cross my mind. Why would I put myself on your level?''

This last sentence made Dallas clenches his teeth and mutter:

''Listen here you asshole…''

''That’s enough!''

It was Eve that interrupted the argument that was slowly climbing. Well, Eve could raise her tone and stand up for herself too. Grabbing Dallas by the arm, she lightly inclined her head toward Kate and Keith in gesture to thank them for the night and invitation to dinner. It was probably best for them not to stay any longer and she addressed it in the simplest terms:

''I’m sorry about this, but my brother and I need to have a serious conversation outside of here. The dinner was delicious and I wished we could have stayed longer.''

She then turned toward Luck. The man still seemed as imperturbable as ever and Eve couldn’t get a good read on him. She never seemed to be able to read him. And yet, she wasn’t afraid of the man, even as she said to him, completely unperturbed:

''... I know my brother is far from a saint and was rude toward you, your family and occupation. However, answering to his provocation and further on insulting him in turn is exactly, as you said it, putting yourself on his level. And that is, frankly, insulting toward both him and yourself, if I may say. I was expecting better from you, so I’m quite disappointed. Now, good night and sorry about everything.''

(Eve would never knew that Luck would later get laughed at by Berga, for getting talked like this. Keith apparently found her scolding the youngest brother quite funny, despite no expression on his face showing it at the moment)

Attempting to drag her brother behind her was not the most classy exit a young lady could do, but it was the best she could attempt for now. At least, her brother was not protesting or resisting, even if he was still glaring at the two Gandors brother. Luck looked slightly thrown back by her speech and inclined his head toward Eve, addressing an apology toward her:

''I completely understand. However, it is still hard not getting infuriated, just for the sack of the friends I lost because of your brother. I hope you understand my feeling as well.''

''Oh, this is bullshit.''

Dallas was suddenly pulling her back to properly face Luck Gandor, even as she resisted and continued to drag him away. He was, however, still stronger than her, so it was a lost cause. She couldn’t stop him from completely turning around and come face to face with Luck. This one didn’t say anything. He simply lifted an eyebrow as if he was inviting Dallas to continue. This only enraged him further as he practically exploded:

''You had years to put back your sad sob story behind your back. Well I? I was still at the bottom of the Houston just last month. So think about what you’re saying before you open your stupid mouth. I’m not trying to make this about me, but it’s because of you I don’t want my sister hanging around you or your gang! So pardon me if I can’t trust you yet. If it was more than three years ago for you, you sort of lose track of time when you are drowning over and over and over again. I have every damn right to be angry and to lash out. My sister shouldn’t be the one apologizing to you, you should be apologizing to her and to me as well! How much time were you planning to keep me at the bottom of the river? Until you properly grieved your friend or would you just have forgotten that I was even there?''

Dallas voice had started to wobble slightly. Eve continued to pull on his arm to make them leave. She knew he wouldn’t want to be seen this emotional by what he qualified as his worst enemy. Dallas looked particularly fragile right this instant and Eve just wanted to get out of here and hug her brother. But of course, she did forget once again to take Luck into account, because of course, her brother wouldn't leave without getting an answer from the man.

Luck was just studying Dallas, trembling from anger and emotion, only being restrained by his little sister pulling on his arm. Eve wasn’t sure if she wanted to just continue trying to drag her brother back or if she should put herself between them. She was already surprised that Dallas hadn’t freed his arm yet or punched Luck with the one she wasn’t restraining. Luck eventually scoffed at Dallas and redirected his attention to Eve:

''I don't mind apologizing to her. But not to you. Not after everything.''

'' I don't care and you can go screw yourself.''

'' See, this is the kind of attitude that makes me have no regret over what I've done in the first place.''

''And this is the kind of pompous ton that put yourself on this pedestal that I would just love to kick you out off.''

''You can just try. I’ll be waiting.''

''That sound fucking wonderful. Come on Eve, we're leaving.''

Dallas suddenly turned around toward the door, leaving his little sister confused as she was still gripped on his arms. Things had changed so drastically and she was just going with the flow and following her brother outside of the door. Eve felt somehow that a huge chunk of the conversation had happen with both Luck and Dallas forgetting that they had an audience watching them argue like little kids. She shared one last look with Kate before exiting the door, her eyes also reflecting the absurdity of the situation. She didn’t even have time to apologize or thank her one last time. And after everything, a letter didn’t seem like the best option… She just had to let herself be dragged out of there.

Her and her brother walked side by side, Dallas arm still clutched tightly against her torso. Eve wasn’t sure what she wanted to say. Maybe the situation didn’t need any words. Or it was just better to let the silence stay for a little longer. Eve could feel how tense Dallas was, despite him being seemingly lost in thought. He was looking off in the distance, jaw tight and teeth grinding. Eve simply bit her lips and waited for him to be ready. She knew he would open up eventually. Not right now and maybe not anytime soon. But she still believed in him. Dallas always eventually came around.

He still wasn’t looking at her when he finally opened his mouth. It was probably better this way because his next words chilled her to the bones:

''You know the friends Luck is still grieving… They weren’t immortals. Luck probably haven’t forgotten that fact. But putting yourself close to the mafia is putting yourself in danger. He knows that, yet, he doesn’t fear for himself, since he’s immortal… You aren’t.''

Eve didn’t say anything for a moment and simply tried to blink the tears that had suddenly appeared in her eyes. She simply hugged his arms tighter against her.

She suddenly realised the amount of dangers she had put herself in while searching for her brother. Even when she was just pushed around by the elements around her, it still left her in the middle of an unpredictable storm that could swipe her off at any moment. She felt very selfish all of a sudden, since putting herself in danger like this would have done no good if she hadn’t found her brother at the end of the road. It was still difficult to feel guilt, since all of the risk she took had paid off and she was able to find him, but… What if it hadn’t the case.

Shivers rolled off her body. She didn’t want to imagine the scenario. Her brother would probably still be at the bottom of the Hudson if it wasn’t for the effort she had put to dig him out of there. But thinking back to the gun that had been pointed toward her and remembering the weight of the fire arm in her hands, there was an entire other eventuality she hadn’t taken into account.

'' You know, if you’d freed my arm, I could probably give you my jacket if you’re cold.''

Automatically, Eve released the nearly painful grip she had on his arm and looked shamefully at Dallas. He didn’t look mad, but he didn’t seem to understand what was troubling her either. He simply gently smiled at her and slowly reached an hand toward her face to dry her tears. Eve suddenly had the same image of him doing the same but when they had been much younger. Her brother features hadn’t changed after spending 3 years at a bottom of a river. In this moment, Eve realised that she was nearly as tall as he was. But as her brother delicately put his favourite jacket on her shoulder, she knew that despite it all, Dallas would always try to protect her before protecting himself. It may have seemed heroic, but Eve hated it. This desire to sacrifice himself instead of watching her suffer one second. It was naive from her to think that she couldn’t handle things on her own. But she was seen as the younger sibling, the helpless one. She didn’t mind him protecting her. Eve just wanted to be acknowledged as someone with full autonomy, that had the right to get hurt instead of her brother always hurting for her. Because Dallas was like this, this self-sacrificing bastard. 

She was going to let him do it, but not without protest.

Eve was the only thing he had left after all. However, he was the same thing for her.

<.X.>

.

.

.

_Cherry lips having an aftertaste of smoke._

_Everytime our mouth meet, the same taste washing in. And staying at the back of my throat._

_A cigarette, lit and resting in the ashtray, on the nightstand. The ashtray is full. Another cigarette being lit by the snap of an old lighter. Harsh light washing in suddenly and being instantly gone a moment later. It blinds me for a moment and I glare a bit, frowning at you. You don't seem to mind and just continue to smoke. The sun is also starting to peek in through the curtains of the window. The much pleasant light is dancing on the canva of your skin, offering a much better veil to drap you than the smoky trail produced by the cigarette._

_There always is a cigarette washing away the scent of sweat._

_It is getting cold. The smell of the smoke is unpleasant. Even after all this time, the smell get to me and remind me of an entirely different sensation. Cold, murky and disgusting. Especially as my limbs are too tired to move, I feel like I'm trapped in. The weight of the covers on my body is distracting. The smell is disgusting. It tickles the back of my throat and hell, I feel like I'm about to puke._

_It feels like I’m choking on it and yet, I still chase the lips giving me this sweet taste of death._

_The smoke doesn't seem quite as unpleasant when it’s tasted from your lips._

_The arms around me help me to forget too. They are a much better weight at keeping everything away. All the choking feelings we are leaving behind. That we shouldn't be doing this, that fuck, this is a bad idea. Yet, it is intoxicating._

_It is intoxicating, staying lodge at the back of my throat, at the back of my neck, a burning kiss, at the back of my head, a burning desire._

_Cigarette smoke burn cold as the cigarette slowly dies, being forgotten in the ashtray. The ashes turns cold too and the smell is getting stronger, silently choking me. We don't care and I kiss you again._

_Cherry lips having an aftertaste of smoke._

_A smirk on those lips and mirth in your honey eyes. Golden, just like sunlight._

_Fuck you, why do you have to be so handsome. It just makes me want to punch you._

_The taste of cigarette smoke still lingering on even after we are dressed and I have to leave._

_You know that I don't want to leave and would stay in your suffocating embrace much longer. But I would never lower myself so far as to beg, like some stray dog. Yet, my breathing gets hard and your arms tighten around me as if begging me please don't go. I know you will be back coming at my throat later, not for the painful yet satisfying bite mark, but the harsh words, leaving me feeling like I'm worthless. But for now, we forget that this is a mistake. The only things that stays is the taste of smoke on your lips._

_Only in that moment, I wouldn't leave you for the world._

_Even as my breath gets restrained, I don't want to give this up._

.

.

.

<.X.>

Eve could appreciate things being quiet and calm.

Even if her life for the last few years probably disagreed with that statement. And yet, as she was just sat in front of the fireplace, her brother head laying next to her thighs, she could remember why she loved those calm moments.

  
Dallas was already napping when she installed herself in the lounge. The dark circles under his eyes indicated that he still had trouble sleeping. Eve didn't know if it was because of the nightmares or of him worrying. Since, as stated, life currently wasn't getting any simpler.

At least, their squatter roommates, the gang coming from Chicago, weren't there today. Though Eve had became good friends with quite a few of their members, their presence in the manor always bringed action and noises. And she felt like Dallas really needed this quiet moment.

The thing was, despite Dallas best effort to keep his sister out of the mafia business, the Genoard name was strongly influenced by the underworld. Even if most of their activity on that front had been sold and taken care of, apparently, Dallas was the new head of the family and he had to keep tabs on everything. As he had realised, it was his opportunity to rebuilt their empire and fortunes. A responsibility he took with the utmost seriousness, to Eve greatest surprise. Sure, he still had his days (and night) of disappearing, probably dicking around, doing God knows what in the streets of New York city. She just hoped he was not getting in trouble with their local mafia family. However, Eve often found him examining papers at the desk of their father, a frown on his face. He didn’t really suit the image one would make of the family head (not that Eve knew a lot of them… Thinking of the three Gandors brother here, it was hard to think of a typical one). Since Dallas continued to act and talk like a delinquent, no one took him seriously. But Eve knew how hard he tried. And that’s what made it so sad for her to see that most people wouldn’t even take time to listen to her brother when he tried to make business deals with them.

  
Not that Dallas Genoard didn't have a lot of people on his shit-list. But most people didn’t treat him very nicely from the get go, which only made him act the same way toward them.

(And here, she had to admit: he most of the time treated them worst).

Eve knew that not everything could be blamed on other people attitude. Her brother was rude, too confident and cocky, had a bigger mouth than what was socially acceptable and a very volatile attitude that was hard to catch. In other words, he was very unpredictable, which didn’t put others in a position of trust toward him.

Yet, he knew all of this and he tried anyway. If it was one thing Dallas was, it was persistent despite constantly being rejected. And even if he didn't speak his mind most of the time, he was honest about what he was feeling. Plus, he was a really lousy liar.

However, as he slept peacefully lying next to her, Eve couldn’t help the small smile on her face. Dallas face was calm and his eyebrows were relaxed for once. He looked peaceful and she found one of her hand slowly travelling to gently caress his hair. This made him nudge a little, but he didn't otherwise move. However, there was a certain tension in his body that indicated that he was now awake.

Moments of calm never seemed to stay, even when things had settled down and her brother was finally at her side. Simply because of who he was as a person, Dallas would never be anything but a storm. Buzzing with electricity, ready to explode at any moment.

At least, his breathing was still calm and deep. Dallas still had difficulty not waking up in panic, hyperventilating as if he was missing air once again. The trauma from his stay in the river still weighed heavily on his psyche. The covers around his body were far different from the water that once trapped him, but it was enough to throw him in panic. Eve knew that he wasn't sleeping enough. Or even, if he was sleeping at all when he mysteriously disappeared for the night. Maybe that was why she didn't say anything. She knew that Dallas also desperately needed this moment of calm. He seemed to have something on his mind and this preoccupied look on him those last few days and she hoped that a bit of silence would hush it away.

She simply continued to run her hand through his hair. It was getting sort of long and Eve already knew that getting Dallas to cut them was going to be an hassle. If she asked him to get it done, he would simply promise he would and then, forget he had said so right away. And if she tried to cut it herself, his brother would immediately blanch at the sight of the scissors in her hands. She wasn't why or what he lived to have such a reaction. All Eve knew was that Dallas had a dislike toward scissors being anywhere near her.

She fully knew that he was awake now. His jacket was still wrinkled from his nap and despite the soft fabric resting on his shoulder, you could feel the tension in them. And yet, she simply waited for her brother to say something. It was a rare moment where neither her or Dallas had anything to do and they could simply talk in peace. Eve still hadn't told many things to him. And she knew that there were things Dallas deliberately hided from her.

But they’d rather ignore this curtain standing between the two of them. The only thing supporting it was stubbornness after all. It was a thing that Eve inherited from her brother. If Dallas was stuck on seeing the worst in people, then Eve was just as fixed on thinking things would get better. What separated them most was this pessimistic view of the world versus this hopelessly optimistic one. But they were equally stubborn about the things they believed.

Truly, brother and sister.

''You know, you look a lot like mom.''

Eve hand immediately stopped her movement through his hairs after hearing her brother voice. She forced down the wince shaking her body after hearing those words. If there was a subject Dallas never harbored, it was their mother. Eve knew that the woman had always been closer to him than she was to her. However, after the woman had escaped in the night, with no warning sign and no last word, stealing a part of the Genoard fortune with her... They never talked about their mother. Especially not back when their father was alive and the subject was forbidden, seen as a shame for the family. Even when it was just Dallas and Eve in private, they never breached this subject, as if afraid that it would break the fragile peaceful moment they had, hidden away from the world.

Eve had so many question to ask him and yet, the one that escaped her lips was:

''Do you ever resent her? For running away?''

Eve felt the sigh shaking Dallas body when he answered : ''Yes. Even after all this time, yes.''

He slowly turned his head toward her. Despite this slight change in position, she kept treading her fingers through his hairs. For a moment, Dallas looked like the weight of the world was resting on his shoulder. Exhausted, both physically and emotionally from this burden he had to carry. His eyes were searching hers and it was at this moment that Eve once again realised just how young Dallas looked. Maybe it was that just for a moment, she accidently compared him to Jeffrey. It was rare she thought about their oldest brother those days. Thinking about him was slightly painful, just like thinking about their father. With the truths she now knew about her family, it was difficult to not see them in a new light. However, there always had been warning signs. Jeffrey had always been a bully. He liked to tug at her hair and sometime break her toys when they had been younger. Until he's grown a little and torturing his little sister wasn't as entertaining anymore. Dallas, being older and already far too rebellious and insubordinate, provided much better reaction and entertainment after all. And he had their father encouraging and doing just the same, so it wasn't really a surprise to see how he had turned out.

And Jeffrey started getting involved in their family business and she prefered avoiding thinking about it.

Dallas was curling up next to her and suddenly, he seemed so small in his wrinkled jacket. She knew that his immortality wasn't complete and that he would continue to age normally as time goes by. But after all this time spend at the bottom of the river, he just looked the same as when he had disappeared 3 years ago. It was only Eve that grew up in that time. They were closer in age than they never have been before. And yet, she couldn’t even begin to imagine all the things Dallas had endured.

She stayed in silence as he was searching his words. Eve knew that he needed a moment to express what he wanted to say. Unleashing such a loaded subject could only be important. So, she offered her support with a gentle smile and the hand continuing to play through his hair. When Dallas finally opened up, he had all her attention:

'' I know it’s hypocritical from my part to resent her so much. After all, even at the time, I knew damn well what was going on behind closed door. But that she not only ran away, but abandoned us - I… I felt betrayed, you know?''

No, Eve didn’t really get it. She didn't have a lot of memory of their mother. She had left when Eve had been really young. She kept only a few vague images of the woman with kind, gentle hands and bruises covered arms. She didn't feel betrayed, but only sad that her mother wasn't with them anymore. Though, through the years, this sadness slowly morphed, especially after realising certain truth hidden by her family. Eve felt not so much ressentiment, but rather relief for this woman. Hope that even with all the things she sacrificed behind, she could live a better life.

Eve truly wanted to wish the best for her mother. But she knew that she would never be truly able to not feel a certain guilt when talking or thinking about her. Especially given that the price of her freedom heavily injured the rest of her family. Particularly Dallas.

She knew that her brother needed her support to continue. Yet, the only thing Eve could give was a simple inviting nod, keeping her expression neutral. Still caressing Dallas hairs, she hummed to invite him to keep talking.

''I feel awful about it, but I can't help but think what if? What if she had stayed? What would be our life now if she just had stayed?... It’s terrible, but I wanted her to stay. I still want that! And I hate myself for wishing this and I hate her for disappointed my wishes. I hate her!''

Here, Dallas had to take a break to regain his breathing. His ton had steadily climbed throughout his whole rant, becoming faster and louder. The silence that followed was heavy and uncomfortable. Eve could clearly see the shoulders of her brother trembling as he breathed in and out. She could also feel in his eyes the emotion that was ripping him apart. As loud as Dallas had been, she sensed the different feelings pulling him in different directions. So, as her hand still played in his hair, Eve offered a gentle pained smile as she asked:

''… Would you really say you hate her so much?'' 

''... No. But yes. Not like I hate Father or Jeffrey. When she was there, she had been the one protecting me from the world. From… **Him**. But when she left, it was like she was abandoning me to my fate. I… I know that it's selfish, but I wanted her to take me with her. Even if that would have meant leaving you alone.''

At that, Dallas escaped Eve eyes. It was clear he was ashamed to confess this. Yet, she couldn’t say she was really surprised. Dallas had always been clear that if he could run away and leave everything away, their father, their name... He would have run. But despite that, what mattered the most was that he had stayed. He had stayed and had been there for his sister, despite him always being a little distant. Yet, Eve knew that this distance was only to protect Dallas. Keeping him away, like the way their mother had once protected him by taking the heavy toll on her own shoulder. Just like Dallas had taken everything on him after their mother left to avoid seeing his younger sister hurted and abused. Essentially doing what their mother had failed to continue taking care of.

Maybe Eve was just innocent and setting to get hurt. But she couldn’t resent either Dallas or her mother for wanting to run away. The only difference had been the way they had handle the situation. There was no right or wrong in this situation. Only hurt.

''I wouldn’t have hated you, just like I don’t hate her. It wouldn’t have been your fault Dallas. It isn’t her fault either.''

Dallas laughed dryly. The pain in his eyes was clear, despite the fact that they were still running away from her gaze. It didn’t last very long, but with a slight sardonic smile on his lips, he said :

'' You have no idea of what you are talking about, do you?''

Dallas was still avoiding to look at her face. Eve didn’t know what she could say to him. After all, how could she know what she was talking about? Maybe it was putting too much weight on his shoulder. But she truly felt grateful for Dallas always protecting her, even from things she knew nothing about. Things she just started to understand. Things she couldn't know, because she was shielded from them even after years. Dallas, after all, refused for her to talk with people that had less than savory things to say about their family. But all those rumors had a bottom of truth.

He was still trying so hard to keep her away from things that could potentially hurt her. Even if she sometime felt like he was doing too much, there was nothing wrong with him trying so hard to avoid her to feel pain in any way. However, Eve knew that it wasn’t his job to do so. That it was a burden he had taken all on his own, because their mother hadn’t been able to endure doing so anymore. And nothing could blame her in the same situation, but the true victim of this situation had been Dallas. Had always been Dallas.

Eve sighed a little and tried to bring the conversation to lighter topics. Despite how difficult talking about their mother actually was, she asked:

'' What do you think she is doing now? Where she is in her life?... If she ever regret her decision?''

'' She could be dead for all I care.''

This statement shocked her. He was still avoiding her eyes and yet, the only thing Eve could do was study his expression. He looked determined and serious, as if he had made his mind about what he was voicing he would not go back on his words. Yet, in Dallas eyes, there was still a bottom of pain and regret. Maybe that was what lead her to say, her voice far too weak to carry the confidence she wanted to have in those words:

''... You don’t think that. I know you don’t think that. You aren’t a bad person Dallas.''

'' Are you sure? Because I meant every words I said. She could have all the regrets in the world, it doesn’t change the fact that she abandoned us. And it doesn’t change that she never tried to come back or to contact us. And I would have known if she tried, I’m sure **He** would have used that against me. No, she could have cared and yet, she did nothing and she isn’t here either for us now. Nothing is keeping her from coming back to fix things now.''

Dallas was starting to fidget. Eve tried to calm him down, but Dallas jerked away to escape from her laps. He was now sitting right in front of her. The eyes that wouldn’t met hers just a moment ago was heavily resting on her. Eve didn’t know what was happening, but felt that the next thing coming out of Dallas mouth was the reason he had decided to bring up the subject of their mother in the first place. So she gave him all of her attention, taking in all of him as his words enclosed her, made her breath stop for a moment by their weight:

'' When… When I learned Father had died, I tried to find her. I searched a lot. It was hard, but I found the city where she now lives and her new address. Would you know, she took back her maiden name for a moment. However, she got married again, which complicated the process a bit. I… I honestly have no issue with her doing that. She didn’t have other children, so maybe that was why I had hope?... It was so dumb, but I… I send her a letter.''

Eve was wordless. She simply took her brother hands in hers and squeezed them hard. She knew that they couldn’t possibly begin to even imagine what was going on in their mother new life. Hearing from her children probably bringed back painful memories that she’d rather completely forget about. After all, she had left all of this behind. And yet, Eve couldn’t help but want to grip at this run away figure, to bring her back and miracully, everything would be alright. And yet, she knew that things couldn’t be so simple. This was just a childish fantasy and she knew that she had to respect her mother wishes. And yet, she couldn’t help but ask:

''Have she wrote back? Or send anything?''

'' No. I'm not even sure if she received my letter in the first place. But I feel if I had send it to the wrong address or the wrong person, I surely would have had it back by now. ''

''... Do you think you will try contacting her again?… She’s still family.''

'' No. I think she had made herself pretty clear. If she doesn’t want to have anything to do with us anymore, so be it. Nothing is keeping her away. Fuck her. Someone who isn’t there for us is just as good as dead for me.''

Dallas sighed deeply. Eve didn't say anything. She reassured him by squeezing his hands in hers. She couldn't say she agreed with everything he just told het or some of his sentiment. However, what she knew was the utter devotion her brother had for her. Even if that left him making far too more sacrifice… The only thing she could do was secretly support him. Try to take some of Dallas pain on her own shoulders, despite his own self-sacrificing tendency. Nodding, smile and hide her own pain away. She didn't want to needlessly worry him. So she offered him a small smile, probably far too painful for the occasion. Dallas looked deeply in her eyes, with only the best of intention. She knew that he didn't mean to hurt her by saying them and yet, his words still didn't give her any kind of comfort :

'' She isn’t family anymore. We don’t need her. As long as we have each other, we are the only family we need.''

Even if those words were true, it didn't stop them from still hurting.

They stayed, lodged in her chest, burning like a flame that should have died a long time ago.

<.X.>

.

.

.

_There is always a pleasant ache when waking up with your arms around me. Sunlight is pouring in, enveloping you in its golden halo and I swear for a moment, Luck, you looked like an angel._

_You smile devilishly handsome, as you hand me the lit cigarette. I'm not surprised you have lighted it, but I do wonder since when were you awake. You do that, sometimes, watching me and then, handing me your cigarette, so we don't have to talk about it. As if that would shut me up, you sap. I still take you on the offer and slowly slid the stick between my lips. I try to make them as plush as possible and I see you lick your own lips slightly. Still, I don't break the eyes contact as I take in the smoke. This is all a game after all._

_I immediately start coughing as soon as I inhale. It is usually like this when we play this little game. But the smile you give me and your laugh are what open my airways and make it all worth it. I just want to embrace all of you and forget that I'm missing oxygen. There is nothing sexy about choking back my coughing, but you kiss me just the same._

_Your breath still tastes like smoke._

_It is almost bitter and the aftertaste bring back unwelcomed souvenir. You know them just as well as me. I am still afraid of water, but I wouldn't mind drowning if it was in you. Getting lost in your body that I already should know so well. Memorizing every inch of you and all the sounds you make as I gently rest my lips on your infinity._

_Your arms are around me. Sometimes, they hold me so strong that I forget what it is to be weak._

_Your lips tastes like smoke and in that moment, you are my only weakness._

_I swallow back my coughing and continue to grind against you. Early on, you learned quickly that occupying my tongue is what make it most agreeable for both of us. That's what you did at the beginnings, occupying my mouth the entire time so I wouldn't have the breath to curse you out. I still would, of course, but the little “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” escaping my mouth didn't really mean anything. And you know now, if you didn't knew all along that not any of those were completely heartfelt. You still captured my lips nonetheless and I could taste bliss behind the aftertaste of cigarette smoke._

_You are more willing to hear my every sounds those days and that scares me a bit. You hear everything, the curses and moans, the cries for more and groans, the sobs when I sometime wake up in the night and you just hold me silently. We never talk about those or the way your eyes sometime get lost in the distances. I know it does, I'm not blind. Don't take me for a fool._

_I think you can read me Luck and that’s why I don't need to say things for you to understand._

_Like let me stays._

_Fuck, let me stays as long as possible. I would breath in all your cigarette smoke and choke a million time only for you to let me stay by your side._

.

.

.

<.X.>

''Dallas!''

''Quiet down. He's sleeping now.''

The harsh tone Luck Gandor used on her was the sort an adult would use on a disobeying child. Eve couldn't help but feel somewhat insulted by it. She knew that Luck had much more life experience than her, but still, she once thought that when she had become an adult, he would stop treating her like she was made of glass. Sure, he was still physically taller than her (he was also slightly taller than Dallas, even if that was just by an inch, so it was only because of genetics. Notwithstanding the fact one of Luck brother was an actual giant), but it was no reason to act toward her like she was an actual child. Especially when the subject of the matter was Dallas

Eve certainly thought she was mature enough to take care of her own brother.

  
''As soon as I got words that he was hurt, I rushed here…''

''And I'm sure miss Genoard that you knew that it was unnecessary. Once he would have woke up, I would have send Dal… Mr Genoard on his way.''

  
Even after years of knowing him, Luck fox-like eyes still intimidated Eve a lot. She knew that there was a not so secret softness inside of them, but when Luck was talking about business and what surrendered his family, you could only feel the hard piercing look on you. Especially if Luck was talking about someone he clearly cared about. It was like he had to be even more harsh to hide away the softness he had for just a handful of person.

Eve had just never really expected Dallas to one day be part of this list.

  
''If this was any other injuries, then I would have trusted your better judgement. But he took a bullet to the brain, I'm sorry, but don't I have a right to be concerned?!?''

She knew her words were coming off as just a little too harshly. But to be fair, her brother, immortal or not, had just been shot through the head. Eve knew that she could trust Luck to a certain degree. The man had after all saved her life forever ago, while she was still a complete stranger to him. Or when she still was just the sister of his self-proclaimed worst enemy. A relation that she still felt to this day. She was just the younger sister. Not anyone important and certainly, far too innocent to be exposed to all the nasty aspects of the underworld.

And it was not like Luck had anything against woman. The cute Mexican girl after all was pretty important in the eyes of the organisation. The cute Mexican girl also had a boyfriend, apparently. But that was hardly relevant to her skill with her swords. It's not like Eve wanted to ask her out or anything. Maria was just very pretty and pretty awesome too.

Anyway. Moving on.

To be honest, Luck and Dallas relationship had been way simpler when they had hated each other. But being part of the same scene had made in sort that the two men had to work with each other quite a lot. To the surprise of a lot of person, Dallas actually actively refused to deal with anything illegal, like fire arms or drugs. It was something he didn't want attached to his family name anymore. It didn't stop people from trying to bribe him into it. Even if Dallas wanted to give to their family the statue they once had, other than the person that wanted to use them, no one wanted to talk business properly. Which only lead to Dallas cursing them out. Obviously.

  
However, the Gandor family also had a handful of business that were not part of the underworld. And given the circumstances, Dallas was eventually forced to beg at their door. Luck was of course against it, due to old rivalries and grudge from the past, but again, if there was one thing Dallas could be, it was insistent. The only thing he had left was to prove himself worthy of trust.

Of course, things were rocky at the start. Eve didn't have a lot of details actually. But she did know that Luck had far too much pride and at first, was making things purposely difficult for her brother. Dallas used to complain and rant to her, usually when they were both relaxing in the lounge area. It amused her quite a bit.

Then, Dallas started becoming even more pissed off, but also blushing more when talking about Luck. And if there was one thing Dallas definitely was not, it was subtle. Eve knew already the telling signs of a pretty big crush when she saw one. With how much he talked about him, she already suspected that Dallas would have those kind of feelings for Luck. Even if it was to complain about him criticizing him or about his stupid eyes fixing him like he was the worst kind of trash in the world. This kind of obsession over one person could only mean one thing. However, Eve was open-minded and liked giving an ear to what her brother had to say about Luck this particular day. In return, while they were both comfortable under the layer of a throw blanket, Eve would talk about the lady in front of her at the post office, who she thought was pretty, or the woman that went knocking at their door for some kind of social event, who was quite dashing in her red dress, or again, the girl that stopped her on the street to compliment her hair.

In return, Dallas would also talk about the girl he found pretty. He talked about the boys that were to his taste too, but less frequently. Eve didn't know if it was because he was uncomfortable doing so with her or if it was just that he had his eyes on a particular man. A particular immortal man with the eyes of a fox and a not so secret smile he showed to only the one he deemed worth it. And eventually, Luck started to give the same kind of affection toward Dallas too.

Eve was unsure about what the statue of their relationship was. They seemed to be on and off, sort of a friend with benefits deal. Frankly, Eve didn't want to think about her brother sex life for too long. But either way, Luck and Dallas relationship was what bringing her to the Gandor office on this day. Or well. The fact he had been shot in the head anyway.

''I’m begging you miss Genoard, please take a moment to calm down. Would you like to have a seat?''

''Someone pointed a gun toward my brother and shot him and you are offering me a seat?!?''

''You're trembling.''

Eve hadn't noticed, but indeed, her legs were shaking so much under her that it was a miracle she was still standing. She took one last glance toward her brother, deeply asleep on the couch just behind Luck desk before taking the chair in front of the mafia don. Her fingers were still lightly quivering, so she tried to focus her eyes on anything other than Dallas. The fact he was still unconscious made her worry far too much. She also didn't like how tired he seemed, how dark the circle under his eyes seemed or how thin he was. His favourite mahogany jacket seemed to have been taken off by Luck and was gently resting on top of him like a blanket.

(Here, she couldn't help but feel a little bitter. Sure, Dallas was unconscious and wouldn't have been able to protest. The fact stayed that even after all this time, Dallas was still overly protective of his jacket. Eve still had difficulty to convince him to wash it and he let almost nobody touch it.)

She'd rather avoid looking at him while he seemed so breakable and mortal. If it wasn't for the circumstances that had made him immortal, he wouldn't have survived the bullet he took to the brain. It was already a matter of happenstance that had made Dallas immortal in the first place. He never was supposed to be immortal. And Eve knew that according to all known laws of life, her brother should be dead many time over by now. Not only counting the stay he had made at the bottom of the Hudson, but this conclusion was taking in the many time where he messed up, before and after. Her brother had died more than a few time, she was well aware of it. But he had gotten better. He was good, keeping in his line, even if his work kept him closer to the underworld that he wanted. It was a situation like this that reminded Eve of what could have been. She could have lost him. She really could have lost Dallas.

The weight of Luck gaze on her was also a little much. So, she preferred avoiding the gaze of the man sitting in front of her. And yet, he was still fixing her. She didn't know why exactly he was looking at her like this. Obviously, Eve was mad at him and had shouted at him quite a bit. And yet, he was keeping an extreme calm despite the situation. It was not like he seemed to expect an apology from her. Maybe it was his line of work that used him to see his loved one put in dangerous situation. But Eve was slightly perturbed by his extreme calm. So she looked around the small Gandors office. It was quite nice, actually. The jazz hall in itself was quite fancy, but it was really the basement of Coraggioso that took the take. The walls were painted in muted dark colors, pairing well with the cushion of the couch Dallas was still passed out on. It was clear that a certain effort in home decor had been done, there even was a fresh bouquet of flowers, resting in a vase full of water on the corner of Luck desk. The white tulips clashed a bit with the dark atmosphere, but a few red tulips among the bunch of flowers gave a lovely accent of colors. Their dark intense red color fitted much better with the rest of the office.

''Lovely, aren't they?''

Eve blushed a bit from getting caught so bluntly spacing out, especially from gazing out at the bouquet of flower. However, it was with a soft smile on her lips that she answered:

''Yes. Those flowers are really pretty. I'm sorry for staring like this. I just… Quite didn't expect such a lovely sight in a mafia office.''

''We aren't monsters, you know.''

  
Luck had said this last sentence with a slight scoff, but he still had this mysterious smile on his lips. Eve simply nodded a bit and kept her head down. Of course, she didn't think Luck or any of his brothers were monsters. Despite the fact they weren't completely human, they were still people. People that were part of the mafia. People that probably had done lots of terrible things, not that it were her place to judge them or ask about them. Luck may as well keep the secrets on his lips. It probably tasted far sweeter on them than on her own. She had to learn just how heavy secrets are and how something sickly sweet could just hide poison behind its bite. And if Dallas wanted to steal and lick away at the secrets resting on Luck lips… Well, she could do nothing to stop him. Eve simply hoped that he'd never keep her in the dark about the risk he was taking. Full disclosure. Because if she lost again someone from her family without even knowing why…

So, no. She knew that Luck and his men weren’t monster. But it didn't stop her for worrying about the one thing she cared about. Nonetheless, the way Luck smiled and looked at her somehow managed to comfort her a little. Because even if Eve couldn’t assure by herself the safety of her brother, at least, she knew that someone was still looking after him. Someone that cared about what was important to them both.

Someone that cared for Dallas. And for who Dallas cared for in return.

'' May I ask for what occasion those flowers are here?''

'' Oh?... Sure.''

  
Luck had seemed almost taken aback by the question and somehow lost the air of confidence he was arbouring since the beginning of their conversation. He lightly scratched the back of his neck, but regained rather quietly his composure. Eve could still see the soft tenderness beneath his amber eyes however. Clearly, it mattered to him.

'' Those flowers were part of the bride bouquet at one of my good friends wedding quite recently.'' 

'' I see! Congratulation then!''

'' Well, thank you. I'll be sure to send my best regard the next time I see him.''

'' And you've kept the bouquet because…?''

'' It was actually the partner of another close friend of ours - practically a brother too at this point- that caught the flowers. Still, she don't understand a lot of our social queue and didn't know the meaning behind catching the bride bouquet. And my friend, being the innocent shy guy he his, prefered dumping the flowers on me rather then try to explain it to her.''

Eve couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped her lips. The fondness in Luck eyes was quite evident when he was talking about his friends. It made her wonder if the same fondness was in his eyes when he talked about Dallas to other people. The number of person he could talk would actually be quite limited when she thought about it… Given that most of his friends still hated Dallas with a passion. Even if Dallas was trying, he still stayed the same harsh explosive person. And given what happened to him, it would be logical for him to still hold a grudge against some of Luck friends. Perhaps that was why they were not exactly public about their relationship, whatever the character of this one was. Yet, there were also a million different reasons why Luck and Dallas couldn't appear as a couple in public. It was not exactly common and Eve knew that the church was not exactly kind toward… She preferred not to think about it. Maybe it was that realisation that made Eve ask her next question:

''... Have you ever thought about getting married yourself?''

  
Luck simply hummed instead of giving an answer. After all, a few person must have asked him the same question before. Giving that his two brother were already married and most of his friends were either matched and hitched themself, it was clear that a certain amount of social pressure must be put on him as well. It would most likely get annoying after a while, even suffocating, putting far too much weight on living according to society standards. Even if that meant denying a part of yourself. Still, Eve had to ask. Just to make sure what his intentions were toward Dallas.

''... Let's say I've never seen mariage as quite right for me.''

'' You are a bag of stinking shitty lies.''

Eve flinched hearing the voice. It was rough and coarse, coming directly from the couch behind Luck desk. Dallas had carefully shifted to a sitting position and was currently rubbing off the sleep from his eyes. He looked, in one word, rough, but already, she could feel tears climbing to her eyes, just from the relief of seeing him alright. To refrain herself from crying, she jumped onto her feet, making her chair fall down in the process. Just as quickly, she was there, burying her face in the jacket still lying in front of him.

''Dallas!''

He left a little ‘'humf!” after she practically collided into him to give him a hug. She could feel that her brother wasn't really looking at her, but still felt his arms tentatively give the embrace back. She pressed her head against his chest, just to hear his heart beating. He was ok. He was still alive.

''See? As I said, there was nothing to worry about, miss Genoard. Now, if you will…''

'' Wait a hot minute, do you think this conversation is finished, you scamp?''

Despite not seeing either of their faces, Eve could still feel the heavy gaze shared between her brother and Luck. Carefully lifting her head up, she slowly took in the heavy atmosphere of the room. Luck didn't seemed particularly taken aback by the brash tone and insult, but his posture was tense. As if the territory they were approaching was an especially difficult one for him to cross. And yet, she could feel in Dallas eyes that he would not yield. He was clenching his teeth, seemingly waiting for Luck to answer him. When the other man continued to stay silent, he sighed tensely and once again, opened his mouth, scolding :

''You spend every day working with your brothers, who are both happily married and committed to their wives. I see the longing look on your face. So, don't even pretend you are not aching for this, like a crave inside of you. Don't bother. I know you.'' 

'' If you really knew me, then why are cornering me like this?''

'' Because I see your pain too, you blockhead coward! This is literally killing you. This yearning is burning you up and I can't do nothing to stop it!''

'' Yet, who said it was up to you to cease those apparent feelings you are talking about?!''

Luck chest had started to visibly be heaving. Lost was his facade of composure, his breathing was hard and fast. Even his carefully tousled hair looked a bit messy after he raked one of his hand through it. On the other end, Eve could feel just how strained Dallas body was underneath her. If it was not of her arms around his torso, he probably would have leapt to his feet by now to come directly scream at Luck pretty face. The fact he still looked so beautiful despite the restlessness in the air was strictly almost uncanny. And as always, his eyes were cold and detached, despite the fact his usual self-control holding him together was gone.

Eve felt more than she heard the dry chuckle shaking Dallas body, before he asked:

''Really? Do I have to spell it out for you?'' 

'' Whatever it is, it is none of your business what I chose for myself.''

'' Well, I care about you, so this act of self-flagellation better stop. If you really want to keep hurting yourself like this, you damn best believe I won't pretend to be happy about it!''

'' And have I asked for you to step into my life? Or yet, have you ever demanded to be let in? Except no, you never ask, all you ever do is take, take and take!''

'' Fuck you! I love you, you dunce face!''

The silence fell again for a moment. Dallas was breathing just as hard as Luck was at this point. The mafia boss eyes were wide open and his mouth agape, clearly taken aback by those words. However, those feelings weren't a surprise nor a secret. But by judging on Dallas practically rigid body and the look of horror on his face, Eve guessed that he had never said those words aloud before. It didn't really surprise her, but it did make her wince and carefully get on her feet to back away. She preferred to stay out of the path of the two men. Already, she felt that her presence had been completely forgotten and it wouldn't be good to stand between both of them. She didn't knew enough about Luck to say for sure that it was safer this way, but she knew her brother. Dallas had a tendency to completely lose his filter when he was mad. Beside, even if Eve prefered to think of the contrary, he stayed an occasionally physically violent person. Hence why sometime when Dallas was especially pissed off, he would just disappear for a few hours and he would get back with speckled blood on his fist. Eve pretended not to see or comment on the bruises on his own face. Her brother hadn't completely buried his past self in history.

But she truly believed that Luck was good for him. Hence why Eve was astonished that the other man face was so hard. His eyebrows were furrowed deeply and she could clearly see him grinding his teeth as he muttered:

'' ... Really? You had to choose _this_ argument for you to say those words for the first time?''

Dallas looked as if he just received a punch in the stomach. His face was still stuck in terror, eyes unblinking, mouth opened large as if prepared to scream and yet, all that escaped him was a weak croak, dry and breaking due to Dallas rapid breathing :

'' L-Luck, I didn't... I didn't mean…''

'' No, of course you didn't. You never mean anything. Just go home, I'm done.''

''Hey... What the fuck do you wanna say by done?''

Her brother lips were stretching into a practically manic smile. His voice was still as weak and breathless as before, but Eve could feel another type of energy starting to fill Dallas body instead of rage. It was desperation. His distress was clear in the way he had started to shake slightly, gripping tighter onto the jacket carefully laid on him. A jacket that had been tenderly laid by Luck, the man now looking at Dallas with the utmost animosity. He clearly had locked all of his emotion away after losing his cool earlier and it was with the steadiest voice that he continued :

'' This is over. I'm done over apparently _pretending_ to be happy, while not being married or even open about our relationship. Or what it used to be.''

'' W-wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Hold on! You better not be doing this you son of a-!!''

'' This is now only a business deal. Like what we discussed at the beginning. As it was supposed to be. Just go home. I'm calling in Tick to escort you out of here.'' 

'' BASTARD! Don't run away from this! You can’t simply decide that we are done instead of -''

'' Oh and yet, why can't I? You don't have to be happy about it, as you said. This is just more of me self-flagellating, I'm sure.''

'' I'm going to fucking kill you - !!'' 

'' Just let it go Dallas. How many time do I have to tell you?... We are done. This is over.''

'' **Shut up**!!!''

Dallas had shot up from his seat on the couch, yet his legs were still a little shaky underneath him. Maybe that was why the pair of arm gripping underneath his armpit menaged to stop him before he leapt at Luck neck. She hadn't seen Tick arrive into Luck office, but with the current argument that climbed out of control, it was difficult to look away. The young man restraining Dallas had lost the usual carefree smile Eve typically identified him by. He looked unusually gloomy, as if the reflect the mourning air that had enveloped the room. Dallas wasn't saying anything anymore. He was just kicking and fighting against the man holding him back, his teeth clenched and his eyes wide. As his body was twisting and turning, struggling as he was dragged away, his eyes never left Luke's ones. The other man stayed stone faced, simply passing an hand through his hair again, trying to put back some order in his presentation:

'' Thank you Tick. And Dallas? I’m giving you vacation, take some time to think before coming back. Things are better this way, I assure you.''

Dallas stayed silent, maybe out of shock, out of rage and definitely out of words. His body was struggling even more against the arms dragging him out and yet, never leaving Luck get out of his sight, until the door was literally slammed in front of his face. Once Dallas pulled away and removed from his office, Luck left out a deep breath before slowly hiding his face behind one of his hands. His body seemed almost to be caving onto itself while the silence enveloping the room weighted on heavily. His posture stayed just as straight as before, yet in the way he was just resting his hand in front of his eyes, while bowing his head spoke about how everything was still affecting him. For the first time since she knew him, Luck seemed truly vulnerable.

Eve didn't dare to make one move. She could see the man shoulder slightly shaking, yet she didn't hear one sound. Quiet was eclosing the office like an iron curtain, making her breath difficult to take in. She barely dared breathing at this point. Luck, after a moment, took an hold out of himself and slowly dragged down his open hand to rest in front of his mouth instead. He turned away from the door where Dallas had been dragged to, painfully slowly, as if it was difficult for him to do so. That's when he finally met Eve gaze that were resting on him. He flinched a little, as if he didn't expect her to catch such an emotional moment. The confusion only lasted one moment though as rage quickly took over his expression. Still hiding his lips behind his hand, he asked in a tone that was definitely harsher than any other he used on her before: 

'' What are you still doing here?! You have him all to yourself now, aren't you happy?''

She wanted to beg him to reconsider. That despite what he was saying, this was clearly ripping him apart. Yet, she said nothing. It wasn't her place to say anything. Neither Dallas or Luck had asked her to witness and comment the shortcoming of their relationship. Or… The relationship they used to share. Eve already knew that they couldn't be open about it in the public eyes, after all there were so many bad things that could happen. They were businessmen first and foremost and not everyone had an open mind about those things. Yet, if the details of their relationship had been kept a secret from Eve, it probably stayed undisclosed for practically everyone Luck knew. And even if Luck was truly once happy with Dallas at his side, whatever their relationship had been, he wouldn't get a full happiness without his family and friends blessing. Without fully being able to embrace his relationship with full disclosure. Something he couldn't have with Dallas at his side. Even if he had told himself it was fine and he didn't need those things, Luck could still inevitably want them. It wasn't her place to tell what he should and shouldn't do. If he would never truly be happy with Dallas at his side, than who was she to insist Luck reconsider and stayed with her brother? It would be hypocritical from her part. It clearly pained Luck to break things off. So why insist that he was making a mistake? If it busted him so much to make this decision, clearly he must have thought about it before and carefully weighted in his option. It wouldn't be like Luck to make such a rash decision at the top of his hat. Or at least, she thought so. There were still so many things she didn't know.

However, one thing Eve knew was that she shouldn't even had to witness this argument she inevitably provoked with her question. An argument where the rage was now turned against her and she didn't knew what she could do. After hearing the harsh words screamed at her, she simply flinched, suddenly afraid of Luck for the first time. She then carefully and nervously backed away. Luck didn't make one move and yet, his unnatural eyes seemed to follow her every motion, as a predator watches its prey. Still feeling the heavy air resting between them, she practically run to the door and out of the building.

She felt like such a coward.

<.X.>

.

.

.

_I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry_

_Those words tickle my throat and lips and yet, don't manage to get out. They stay lodged there, with the ball of feelings I'm choking back. Nasty smoke in my lounges tasting like bitterness and fury._

_It isn't my fault._

_I shouldn't have to apologize._  


_Yet, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, it plays on repeat._

_They won't break away those lips. Even if I wanted to, I won't let them. I'm sorry I'm sorry. They never will be sayed, yet the feeling stays. Stuck in my throat, stuck in my head, there is no time for regret, these feelings burns in my chest._

  


_I'm sorry. Why am I even asking for forgiveness? You know just as well as me that I never deserved it_

_This thing we had, it was both too good and far too wrong for both of us. But fuck if I don't want you all the same. I’m burning with it. There is no smoke without fire._

  


_I'm sorry. We're both at fault here._

_I'm sorry. Why couldn't it turn out right? But there was no way for things to turn right. It was cursed from the start, wasn't it, a bloody disaster waiting to happen. Well, aren't you proud blockhead? It did happen._

_Don't look at me like that._

  


_I'm sorry. Don't you know how I'm burning to say this to you?_

_And yet, I don't. I stay silent and hide my emotion behind a mask. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I pretend that you were right, that this isn't wrong, nothing left behind, no past, yet, no future to come._

  


_I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm tired of fucking apologies._

_So, why can't I do something about it?_

_Why can't I say anything?_

_It tickles my lips and yet, the only thing I can do is swallow back the smoke. The cigarette enclosed by those lips doesn't feel quite right and yet it prevails the needless apologies from getting out. For fuck’s sake._

_I'm disgusted by my own self._

_I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry_

  


_The cigarette smoke doesn't taste quite right when it isn't taken from your tongue._

  
  


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<.X.>

( **Warning** : The suicide scene is up ahead. Between the two *** is the more explicit section, describing an hanging corpse, but the rest of the scenes after that point talk and show clear signs of self-harm (between *** too), suicide realization and depression. Be careful)

''You’ve done a good job today Eve. We are very proud of the progress you made on that story.''

''A-Ah, thank you…''

Eve bashfully looked down at her feet. Even after several months of knowing her, looking at Rachel face was still quite hard. She just seemed so elegant and even when she was dressed in her fatigue clothes, her confidence and courage shined through her and made her glow. Still, she felt like the older woman compliment was heartfelt, so she didn't try to fight the small smile shining on her lips.

She still didn't agree with all the practices of the Daily Days. However, if there was one thing Eve had learned to value after all those years, it was information. Learning more about the underside of society fascinated her. After all, the world she lived in was far stranger than what most people experience throughout their entire life. But if there was a way for her to keep up with what was happening and what the government and classical way of information were keeping away from the public, she wouldn't hesitate. Legitimately or not, it was those ideas that lead her to the door of a small newspaper agency in Chinatown.

She recalled the day she had decided to put away her fears and finally stop in again through the doors of the information brokerage. She had recognized the man greeting her from behind the counter almost instantly and from the way his grin suddenly fell off his face to instead take an expression of horror, he recognised her too. He must have thought she had come to sue him or something. It must have been that and definitely not the redhead figure that walked right after her, apparently to go ask Rachel on a date.

(When she had asked Rachel if she dated or had dated this Felix Walken, she had simply laughed and said that no. The man was happily married, but still occasionally invited her to eat whenever she and him were both in town. Apparently, he asked her lots of dating and love advices. That was a thing who would never change despite the fact Rachel still insisted that she wasn't the type of woman who could serve as an example, given that she wasn't your typical lady. However, Eve already knew that part and that was why she had a purely professional admiration for the older woman. Only professional.)

Eve had to admit: Not all the practice of the daily days were that trustworthy when it came on the information brokerage side of the equation. However, working with them gave her this opportunity to learn so much more about what was going on around her own neighborhood and what powers were at play. That was why Eve had come at their door, asking for a job that would keep her in the known about what was going on in the underworld of society. The president had apparently liked her boldness and had offered an editing position for the English version of their newspaper. It wasn't much, but enough to keep her busy. And after months of trying to prove her worth, she was finally giving the right to write her own articles and research for them. It was thrilling, exciting and totally disapproved by none other than Dallas.

  


Of course, Dallas didn't have to like it. However, Eve still hated to put her brother in those kind of situation. He was just protective of her and she knew it. Nevertheless, his want to keep her out of danger and as far away of the unsavvy part of society were only keeping her in the dark of what threat was here in the first place. And in spite of that, it was also unintentionally maintaining a mystery around what Dallas was doing, who he was meeting with and where he was when he was working. And it was driving her crazy that he was so protective of her, yet still so careless about his own life.

She knew she wasn't immortal, contrary to him. She was a normal person, surrounded by people and things that were far greater than what she would ever be. But the smile that Rachel was giving to her already giving her courage and hope that she still do her part and pull her own weight. The woman was momentarily in New York to work on a story involving some of the local casino den nearby. Yet, Rachel had personally asked for Eve to partner up for this story. No need to say, but her little gay heart had been pleased, even if she knew Rachel was far too out of her reach (and uninterested too). And they were working well together, advancing and finding more information on the story than what they expected in one day.

However, Eve cut their goodbye and farewell short. She wanted to come home to the manor as soon as possible to avoid needlessly worrying her brother. It was rather late and Dallas would be expecting her sooner rather than later. It was sort of choking a bit on her liberty, but she preferred avoiding him any stress. God knew he didn't need more of that.  
  
The break-up with Luck had been difficult for him to take, to say the least. As far as Eve knew, the two men were still in speaking term and somehow amical, given that they were still working together, but Dallas had given enough effort to regain some of their old prestige that he didn't need the help of the Gandors anymore. He no longer depended on them and Eve knew that it was supposed to be a positive thing, but yet she couldn't help to needlessly worry.

If it wasn’t stress that would run him down, Dallas still had still so many mistake to make that could ruin everything he had painfully build. Her brother was less present in the house those last few weeks and more frequenting the streets. He had picked up bad habits he previously had left behind, like not sleeping and not eating, only surviving on black coffee and pure spit. He was more irritable and even if Eve was concerned about him, there was not much she could do against this self-sabotaging act.

Dallas was not a child for her to take care of, she needed to stop seeing him this way. She wasn't responsible for how he decided to act, even if she wanted to help. Dallas was still keeping far too much secrets away from her, like what he was doing when he wasn't in the manor and even, what he was doing when he was locked in his room for hours on end. So, it was the concern for her brother that made Eve hurrying back home.

  
There was still a certain spring to her feet when she entered their home. After all, it had been a good day and she felt productive. It seemed almost peculiarly silent, but she didn't pay it any mind, leaving her bag and afternoon glove in the hallway.

''Dallas? I'm home!''

  
No answers. He was probably taking in a nap in the lounge, accidentally having fallen asleep while waiting for her. Their usual squatters were apparently gone on a holiday of some sort, so he wouldn't be disturbed there. With that idea in mind, she made her way toward the kitchen to prepare some hot cocoa for her and her brother. He would appreciate the taste of sweetness and it was far better than caffeine in his system. It made him even more irritable.

Carefully balancing the two cups on a serving tray, she carefully made her way toward the lounge area. She wasn't the most silent, so Dallas probably would wake up when hearing her come. It would be better than waking him up herself, Eve never quite had the heart to do so. He deserved rest. Yet, as she entered the main living room, the sight in front of her eyes made her drop the tray to her feet, shattering in the process the two cups. Scalding liquid splashed both her shoes, socks and the bottom of her skirt, yet she didn't feel a thing, as taken as she was with the frightful vision in front of her eyes.

  
  


***

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Swinging back and forth.  


The body of her brother was suspended in the air, a rope tightly wrapped around his neck. Eve could clearly the chair that he had kicked out to put himself high enough for doing this (now lying underneath him, having been pushed to fall sideways, somehow out of place in the somehow tidy room) and yet her eyes wouldn't (couldn't) leave Dallas face. His lips were blue due to the lack of oxygen and his eyes were wide open, unblinking. Fixing her as she was glued in place by the situation. His unseeing eyes trapping her in this frightful sight.

She had never seen the barrel that had dragged him down the Hudson. Well, technically she had seen it and the similar trap that had hold captive his friends at the time too. But Eve had never seen her brother when he had emerged from his death at the bottom of the river. But she could only imagine, Dallas would have looked like this.

After a few second of what seemed like an eternity, her body finally started moving again, frantically, not thinking. The next thing she realized, she was practically running toward his body and holding a pocket knife under her hand. She had found it just a couple of days ago, lying next to the trash can in Dallas room. For reason she was still unsure about, Eve had picked it up, full of the intention of confronting her brother about it. But she never did. She knew that particular knife quite well, from when his brother used to pick up fight in the street. She just hoped that he hadn't relapsed in doing that to let go of his frustration.

Now, she understood that he went for a much darker alternative.

Eve soon realized that she wouldn't be able to reach Dallas with her height. So she picked the chair he had himself kicked off. She felt a bit unsteady climbing on it and trying to balance to reach the rope with her hands, but it didn't matter. She had positioned herself to deliberately cut the rope from the back, instead of having to stare at her brother face. Already, feeling the dead weight of his body when she accidentally brushed against him made her shiver. She didn't want to feel those eyes stare into her, with no expression or life in them.

Her hands were trembling around the knife and yet, she managed to clumsily gripe the rope and attempt to cut. She avoided to stab her fingers or arm nearly a dozen time. It was not the fastest or more efficient method to free her brother, but it was all she could think about for the moment. Freeing her brother as soon as possible, even if that meant using all the poor muscles in her arms, trying to avoid his body swinging back and forth.

Finally, the rope gave way. Dallas fell to the ground, like a broken marionnette, his limbs still dead. He was like a doll, laying on the floor of lounge, his head hitting the floor hard, closing his eyes in the process.

Eve nearly tumbled down with the chair when climbing down from it. She immediately went to her knee next to her brother body. Dallas was still not moving. It was still wrong. His skin were still a deathly shade, so cold underneath her fingers. Automatically, her eyes fall to the rest of the rope, still wrapped around his neck and crushing his windpipe.

She was surprised she still had the knife in her hands. Hurriedly but very carefully, she slipped the blade between the skin of Dallas neck and the rope still trapping him. She didn't want to accidently cut him or hurt him even more. The rope this time got cut faster than when she was in the air, trying to blindly free Dallas while avoiding to touch his dead body as much as possible. She didn't want to feel his cold limbs.  


Once the job done and the rope cut, she pushed it away and carefully laid her brother on the hard floor.

  
  
  


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***

  
  


His skin was still cold underneath her fingers, despite the rope not strangling him anymore. She knew that she just had to be patient and yet, Eve couldn't help her fingers trembling and dropping Dallas pocket knife she had cut the rope with.

Finally, after waiting a few moments that felt like forever, colours slowly come back to Dallas face. Eve gently cradled his face in her hands. Maybe it was the fact that they were still trembling, but she swore she could almost feel the flow of blood starting to flow once again under his skin. A sweet rosy colour gently replaced the slight blue hue his lips had taken and a raspy inhale, followed by a few cough finally made Dallas body jolt.

He tried to adjust his position to sit, but with Eve arms around him still holding his head in her hands, he could just squirm and struggle, desperately trying to regain his breath. She was not used to see him wake up quite so fast after just being dead, but Eve guessed that the situation this time was quite different. Hearing his shallow laboured breath was difficult, especially knowing what had caused it.

For a moment, she wondered, was choking similar to drowning in any way?

Why would Dallas chose this for himself?

While she was still coming from the aftermath of the vision that had greeted her home, Dallas continue to skirm underneath her. She could see his chest expanding and then caving on itself, but his breathing was still too fast and with this airy rasp to them. His eyes were open large, looking everywhere around him, but not seeming to recognize or register any of what he was seeing. Finally, his eyes landed on her hands still holding his face and travelled back to the rest of her. He stopped for a moment, considering and taking in what was going on and it was with a weak and broken voice she didn’t even recognize that he asked:  
''... Mom? Is that you?''

  
Eve wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry, scream or maybe even hit him to bring him back to his sense. But she knew that it wasn’t Dallas fault. She simply slowly broke down and pressed her forehead against his:

''You stupid butt.. You’re so stupid…''

She wasn’t sure why she was insulting him. All she knew is she was too exhausted with emotion to even cry. She was too mad, too furious to cry. All those emotions could be felt in her weak trembling voice. She knew he had heard her, because he practically froze on the spot. Not even breathing, despite the fact he was still out of breath. It took him a moment again. But when Dallas answered her again, his voice was even more shaky and terrified than before, if it was even possible:

'' Eve?''

'' Yeah… I got you… I’m there…''  
  


She was still trembling. She wasn't sure what Dallas saw on her face to make him think this, but he gently raised an arm to stroke her back. It only made her flinch and shake even more. Why was he still trying to comfort her? He was the reason she was in such a state to begin with. But Eve wasn’t sure what to do or who to blame. Despite her brother arm around her, she didn't feel safe or reassured. On the contrary. It wasn't something they could just brush away, ignored and unresolved. The silence between them was heavy and uncomfortable. Eve braced to a big conversation to come between them, she knew they couldn’t avoid it. They couldn’t simply forget what she walken into. So, she reluctantly pushed away the stiff arms of her brother.

Dallas still seemed out of breath. He was in front of her, sheepish and avoiding her eyes. Like a child ready to be scolded. She slowly let drop the two hands that were still holding his faces and automatically tilted his head down. His eyes landed on the pocket knife (his pocket knife) and automatically, they went wide and he wiped his head up so fast, Eve got worried a minute for his poor neck. Or that was the case, until he started screaming at her:

'' Where did you find that!?''  


Eve didn’t even time to register the new situation or what was happening. She couldn't even begin to think of an explanation that he continued screaming at her:

'' Did you stole it? Is that it? How do you even know about…''

'' About what!? You’re scaring me Dallas!! I-I don’t know, I just found it on the ground…''

  
His eyes were still full of rage, but also full of confusion. His chest was heaving, up and down. Dallas racked his hands through his hair, then caged his head between them, cursing loudly. Eve wasn’t sure what was going on, but she could clearly feel the full shivers still making her body tremble. She wasn’t cold. But she was just so confused and full of emotion, she wasn’t sure what she needed to say or do. So, she simply waited for her brother to make a move or say something. She could hear muttering to himself, but nothing was clear or loud enough for her to understand.   


Everything just seemed to fall apart for both of them.

It was with a trembling hand that she gently lift the knife again. Its weight was starting to feel familiar in her hands. She had also noticed when she had originally found it, the blade was strangely sharp for a pocket knife she knew Dallas had already carried when he was a teenager. Visibly, he had taken good care of it, even after years. She pretended to forget a moment about everything else, all the other issues that they needed to address together. She simply presented the knife resting flat at the bottom of her left hand to Dallas and asked:

'' Why is it so important to you? What does it mean?''

Dallas didn’t say anything. He even had the nerve to look to the side and avoid her eyes. He seemed like an animal, trying to make himself smaller by withdrawing on himself and hiding inside his jacket (God, Eve hated this jacket…). However, even if she usually tried to be a gentle lady, this time, she was having none of his shit. With the hand not holding the knife, she gripped the front of his jacket in her fist and demanded in a cold tone :

''Answer me.''

  


Still no other answers than a small afraid jerk and even more silence to fallow. However, Dallas started to shuffle side to side, visibly uncomfortable, before slowly extending his left arm in front of him. At first, Eve thought it was almost as if he was protecting himself from a blow to come. She wondered for a minute what she had said and done for her brother to feel so afraid of her. How low. But she fastly understood that it wasn’t the fact or at least it wasn’t what he was doing when he slowly rolled back his sleeves. And then, it was her time to flinch back in horror.

(Description of self-harm scars warning)

  


***

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.

  
  


Little white marks were indented inside of Dallas wrist. Except contrary to a lot of scars she had seen on his body (too contless to count, slash, scratches, small burn marks probably made using the butt of cigarettes…), they were neatly placed straight one after the others. Thin and organized, far too neat to have been done by mistake. They didn’t seem puffy or red, as if someone had carefully taken care of them after they had been hatched on his skin. As if they were…

As if...  


Scars.

So many scars.

Scars, one after the others, small and white, pale faded by time. Scars and scars, marks left there, too much of them to count. Still, Eve could clearly see them before her brother jacket covered them again.

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.

  


***

  


Even after the marks were covered up, she understood all the same. A shiver ran down her body. It was with her eyes full of horror that she turned once again toward her brother face. He didn’t look afraid. Just resigned. Like he knew that he couldn’t have kept this to himself all his life. Like… It wasn’t the first time he had shown those scars to someone else. But Eve knew her brother. He may have shown them, but he certainly never talked about them before. She wasn’t sure where to start. So, she simply said:

'' Since when?''

Dallas simply shrugged, still looking at the floor instead of her. Maybe it wasn’t so easy to answer, even if it was a very simple question. Eve just didn’t want to scare her brother away with this conversation. So, she was patient and waited for him to be ready. While the moment of silence between them, she simply and very carefully put the knife on the ground instead of resting in her hands. She wasn’t sure what to do with it. It wasn’t her decision or for her to choose what to make of it in the first place. Maybe it was seeing her doing this that Dallas slowly opened up again, answering her:

'' For longer than I could remember… I don’t know… Fuck, I don’t know, but it helped me cope with things? If I was the one hurting myself, at least I had control on it, contrary… Contrary to everything else. To everybody else.''

She didn't say anything to this, but simply extending her right hand for him to hold. Which he did, extending his hands surprisingly fast toward her. For someone that have been beaten all his life, Dallas was surprisingly pretty clingy when it came to human contact now a day. Be that playing with her hair or hugging her close to him, he always gave her such attention, as if he cherished every positive moment he could have in the contact of Eve. She thought maybe it was because he had so few positive and affectioned touch growing up that he tresored the one he could have now. After all, only her and their mother had ever hugged Dallas when he was young. This kind of affection had went right off, disappearing just as suddenly and quickly as their mother, vanishing into the night.

So, as he was playing with her fingers gently, Eve payer close attention to her brother face. His face was turned so he could look at their hands, his own gently squeezing her. His hands were surprisingly small and delicate, but with still a few rough patch, making them feel familiar. The dry patch of skin on the inside of his thumb. The scar at the bottom of his index.

  
If not for anything else, her brother hands was managing to bring her some comfort. They were familiar. Still a little cold, but those were Dallas hands. The same as they had ever been, even if things felt a little different between them. Eve still wondered just how long she had been blind to her brother issues. Of course, there were many things she knew without needing him to tell her. But it didn't take a genius to figure them out. Dallas had anger issues and difficulty not to scream to your face. It was a thing that most people could see.

Dallas was sensible, cared far too much and was viciously protective. It was easy to know this, if only once you were close to him. However, even when he pretended that it didn't matter, his action proved to the contrary.

Dallas suffered from anxiety, irritability and still had his eyes occasionally get lost in the distance. He was afraid of big body of water, nightmares and least of them all, scissors. Strangely.

Dallas watched their mother get beaten when he was just a child. That was until she decided to leave him behind and abandon him to the same fate. The abuse continued until he was a teenager and young adult.

  
Dallas had just tried to kill himself.

  
Dallas had tried to kill himself. Eve wasn't sure if the marks on his wrist meant that he already had tried before. Maybe they were just a way for him to feel some sort of control, as he said. However, the space and number of them occupying his wrist hinted toward something else. But she preferred not to think about him trying when he was younger. When he wasn't immortal.

  
It wasn't so hard to see. It wasn't so hard to see the signs and yet, she couldn't have expected it. So, how, what else could she do but ask:

'' Why? Why now…?''

  
Dallas simply shrugged, looking sheepish:

'' I never… I never had tried. I know there’s a way for immortal to die. They can only be killed by other immortal, but I... Don't know… Can't remember how. It’s so hazy in my head, it's more like a scene out of an horror novel than anything else. But I thought… It wouldn't cost anything to try, right?''

A slight manic smile was curving on his lips as he fixely stared at the ground. Dallas continued to play with her hand a moment, as if searching his words. Trying to find the right ones to explain just what was going on inside his mind. However, he slowly let go of her hand to show his wrist again. The sight of what was hiding underneath his sleeve wasn't any easier to see the second time. Still, even she wanted to look away and turn her eyes, Eve didn't run away from them. She paid close attention as Dallas continued talking:

'' I… I found back my old knife. Fuck.. I’ve tried? If it was like before… I've done many things Eve. Many things that I'm not very proud of. Things I have ruined by simply existing. But I couldn't… I didn't want to, couldn't relapse in those old habits. Even if it probably wouldn't hurt anymore… I still needed to know.''

  


She could feel her lips quivering. She hadn't much words to say except than: ''What did you expect? What… What if it would have worked Dallas? What then?''

''...''

  


The silence was far too telling. Even if just the thought of it terrified her, if the sight that greeted her home had been real… But it had been real. It had been far too real. It wasn't the first time Eve had seen her brother dead. However the fact that he had been willing to test his chance, to take his own life… It was far more frightening than any of her other encounter with death. Even, as much as the idea terrified her... Still, she wanted, no, she needed to understand Dallas! What was going on in his head. If they were leaving everything out in the open, Eve had to understand him. So something like this wouldn't happen again.

So she wouldn't have to say her brother looks so broken and so sheepish in front of her ever again.

However, Eve knew that for things to be revealed, for the curtain to be lifted between them, Dallas wouldn't be able to do it on his own. She had to show more than just unlimited support and kindness. If they were doing this, it meant that she also had to share some of her secrets and worries. Eve took a big breath. She knew that it was going to be difficult. The words she was about to say had never been confided to anyone before or even said aloud for that matter. But she slowly lifted up her head and grabbed her courage to bare her heart to Dallas:

''... You know sometime I worry about what comes after. If there really is an heaven waiting for us, humans. Blindly thinking that yes, there is, comfort me, but… I’m very afraid of what comes after. I'm not a perfect person, Dallas, far from that.''

Here, he made a small sound of protest that sounded almost like a ''No, don't say that'', except it was too mumbled to be intelligible. It made her so nice, it felt like a warmth tingling in her chest. Eve smiled and then laughed a bit. It was sweet that Dallas had this vision of her as some kind of saint. However, it was far from the truth. Dallas should know already, just how childish and stubborn she could be. Eve had plenty of flaws and it was time for her brother to recognize that. Time to see that she wasn't without her fault and that no one else was. People all made mistake and all had their own secrets. And it was time for her to share some of her own, along with her fears, as she continued:

'' I'm selfish. I'm often too short sighted to see the bigger picture and… I will never get married to a man. I wonder sometime if this… That's a mistake, however it isn't a choice of my own. I could pretend, but I wouldn't ever be happy if I did. I love women. I always loved women and I will always love women. God made me this way. And if He won't let me into His heaven ground for that, this sin I'm committing against Him, than I wouldn't want to call it my eternal home. Because home isn't home if I'm not with you.''

She stopped for a moment here, just to search her brother eyes and expression. Dallas looked very taken aback by her confession and blatant blasphemy. Even if he very often made fun of her for her faith, he know just how important those belief where for Eve. It was what had kept her holding on and still have hope in all the years that he couldn't be with her by her side. And she had shown him that miracles could happen. She had found him and had saved him. So, he could stay by her side and they he the chance to once again be a family. It was her only wish and it had been granted. Eve had open her heart for him. Dallas already knew just how important they were for each other. The only family they both had left. And yet, it was Eve last words that completely broke him:

'' You are my home Dallas. The only home that matters.''

'' I'm... I'm so-sorry… I'm so sorry. I know I'm an asshole and I'm a jerk. I didn't even think about you. I just needed to know for sure. I've thought about it before, you know? I should be dead Eve. I'm better left dead. I should have died a long time ago.''

  


As much as she wanted to make her own protest noises or even just shut her brother up by giving him a hug and reassuring him, Eve didn't make a sound or a move. She knew that just as he had let her finish, she needed to let Dallas say what he needed to say. Even if those things were wrong and difficult to hear, it didn't change that he carried all those things in his chest for a long time. And when you carry things, they tend to affect you. And by his body still trembling and his eyes still shying away from hers, Eve could see how much they had affected Dallas. And just how hard it was for him to say those words:

''... I never had any idea what I wanted to do in my life Eve. I never had plans, because I wasn't supposed to make it this far. I should be dead. Father should have killed me, my so called friends should have killed me, that old geezer that gave me the poison gift of immortality should have killed me, heck, even that punk, Firo Prochainezo, should have fucking killed me!! Sure, I did good for myself. I tried so hard and somehow managed something good for once in my life, but even than, I managed to destroy it! It’s proof, I’m not meant for any of this! I don't deserve any of this, because I should be dead!''

He stopped, just a moment, just to get back his breath. She didn't make a move, but even if she had, his next words would have petrified her:

'' Sometimes, I wish you didn't save me from the Hudson.''

  


The silence that fell after this addition cut her breath short. Eve didn't dare making any noise, as lost as she was by those words. She realised, it would have been so easy for Dallas to die at any point in his life. And if what he told her earlier was true, there was still a way for him to die from something other than old age, even if it was only by the hand of another immortal. It would have been so easy, so much easier to just have given up. Yet, Dallas was still alive, he had survived despite all odds. Yet, even if he was still there, he was still hurt and needed a **reason** to live more than ever before.

Surviving was not the same as truly living. You didn't need to find a reason to survive, you only have to push yourself one day more. One day more, one day at a time. Dallas had survived fine. Maybe he didn't have the healthiest coping mechanism (far from it actually), but they had made their proof. He was still alive to this day. Maybe that was what inspired to say:

'' Then, live.''

Her brother was still avoiding her eyes, but she knew by the way his body tensed that he was listening to her. Yet, as she still tried to find the right words that he desperately needed to hear, the distracted attention that he was giving to her. So, she gently took his head in her hands again. His skin was warm underneath her fingers and she couldn't help the slight smile stretching her lips. Dallas was alive. And he would stay alive, if only her words managed to find him. His eyes were full of confusion and shame, but it was with the softest voices she said :

'' Live, unapologetically. Everything that hurt you, every person that tried to kill you, they have not won. You are the one that won against all of them. Keep winning and stay alive. And be better than all of them by unapologetically staying alive, despite all the person that have wanted or want you dead.''

After everything that had happened today, her throat felt tight after saying those words. It definitely wasn’t because of the tears once again coming to her eyes. Eve couldn’t help but gently pat Dallas cheeks. He stayed unmoving, not moving underneath her touch. She could see all the different emotion passing through his eyes, even if he still didn’t seem to look at her truly. She wasn’t sure what his reaction was yet. Maybe her words hadn’t been sensitive enough? It was not like she knew what she was talking about. The advice she had given were painfully simple, even if it was something she felt Dallas needed to hear. Just to keep him alive a bit longer. Just for him to stay by her side.

She felt her teeth nervously bite at her lips. Almost immediately, Dallas frowned and took a deep breath. It still took him a moment to gatter his words and carefully admit :

'' ... I'm one of those person that wants me dead, Eve.''

  
Even if the admission should have been obvious at this point, but it still took her aback. If only for Dallas to be able to admit it. Eve continue to gently stroke his face. He looked so tired. He always looked tired those days. Just for a moment, she wandered, maybe if what his brother wanted was best for him. Even if that thing was just eternal sleep. Or coming back in time and continue suffering at a bottom of the river, in a state of constant death.

She shook her head slightly to shake out those thoughts. Even if she was listening to her brother thoughts and trying to respect them, it didn’t mean that she had to think like that too, After all, Dallas was so important to her. She couldn’t let herself or him think that it would be better if his life was worthless. Once, she had shaken those feelings out, she took a deep breath in. Her brother eyes that had seemed so empty and blank just a moment earlier were now paying close attention to what she would say next. It reassured her a bit, maybe not all hope was gone. It was with more energy in her voice that she said:  
'' You might not see it, but you did good for yourself, Dallas. Since you have come back, you have been so good. Our family name is no longer a symbol of shame, you already have surpassed and been far better than our father. I see how hard you’ve worked to get there and I’m so proud of you Dalllas. Please…''

  


This time she couldn’t help the tears running down her faces and big sobs to interrupt her for a moment. She had difficulty to breath, but after a pause, she continued:

''Please don’t give all of this up. I still need you.''

''You don’t need me. You don’t need me at all Eve.''

  
She felt anger boiling into her, but her feelings were so all over the places, all the noises she could make were just gibberish. Big hot tears were still rolling down her cheeks and she could feel her fingers trembling slightly. Dallas finally met her eyes and to her greatest surprise, a slight smirk appeared on his face. Contrary to the manic smile he had given her, he seemed truly in charge of his emotion and what he was saying to Eve:

'' Hey, don’t look so mad now. You are far stronger than you think. I’m sorry that it took me so long to realize that. You don’t need me Eve, but we are family. Sorry if it seemed I was giving this up… I would never.''

  
His hands slowly rubbed off the tears that were still falling from her eyes. He still seemed full of shame and of worry, but there was something else in his eyes too. Maybe a sense of determination. Finally she could feel the feelings storming inside of her slowly settle. It still had been a whirlwind, but maybe things would maybe fall back to their places. Eve was starting to feel a bit more reassured after all of those intense emotions. Maybe that was why she took a moment to sass her brother. She was still a mess and he was too, but maybe that was why they so needed this moment of fun:

'' Oh, so now you are pretending to be all so enlightened? No offense, but-''

'' That's a lot of bullcrap, right?''

  
Eve couldn’t help the slight chuckle that escaped her. at this point, she was so exhausted. it wouldn’t have been the words she would have used, but still. With a big smile, she gently kissed her brother forehead:   
'' Exactly.''

And just like that, the calm after the storms. The two of them holding each other, still sitting on the manor hardwood floor.  


Still alive.

  
  


<.X.>

_ Hands slowly making the paper gently crease. _

_ From the wrinkle and ripple already showing on its surface, it is not the first time this person is taking out the letter from its envelop to read it. Even the page is starting to yellow slightly or maybe it is just getting older from being manipulated so much. _

_ The hands too are slightly wrinkled. Not the youngest that they had been and they are starting to get cramped up more easily due to arthritis. _

_ Yes, despite the few wrinkles on her hands and face, the woman reading the letter still looks beautiful, despite the fact that there is now more white in her hairs than brown. _

_ She had previously gotten married young. She shouldn’t feel so old now. Yet, it is not her age that makes her fingers tremble as she reads the words on the page. _

_ An expression of guilt and pain is crossing her lovely face. _

_ Her breath is short and yet, she continues reading, despite every new sentences putting more pain in her heart and making relive all her previous mistake. Despite all her effort to escape, they continue to chase her every moments, the regrets never quite dying down. It’s like a rope around her neck, choking her as she tries to move forward. _

  
  


_ Arms slowly come embracing her from behind. _

_ She hasn’t heard her lover come in and yet, she doesn’t flinch. He’s slightly younger than her. She knows that he would never dare to lay an hand on her. Contrary to... _

_ Her eyes get lost in the distance, no longer focussing on the paper in her hands. She shivers slightly _

_ Don’t think about it. _

_ It’s in the past now. _

_ It wouldn’t do any good to think about it. _

_ A kiss gently gets layed at the back of her head. Automatically, she smiles and relaxes. He has a way to make her forget about bad things. _

_ ''Do you think one day you are going to answer him?’' _

_ ''Maybe… One day. I’m not ready yet.'' _

_ ''You say that every single time, dear.'' _

_ She feels the light teasing in his voice. After all, it is not the first time they had this conversation. The first time, it had ended in a sea of tears. The next, it had climbed into an argument. Now, he has just used to her deflecting the question.  _

_ '' Maybe I will never feel ready. That’s why he doesn’t deserve an answer from me.'' _

_ '' He’s still your son.'' _

_ The woman sigh longingly. She slowly and very carefully fold back the letter. She put it back in the box with all the draft of answer she never dared to finish. _

_ She knows it’s cruel. And yet, she says: _

_ ''No. I’ve abandoned him. I don’t deserve to call myself his mother. He is no son of mine.'' _


End file.
